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Catholic Spirituality, Catholics Do What?, Contraception, Culture of Death, IVF, Living Humanae Vitae, Marriage, NFP, Parenting, planned parenthood, politics, Pro Life, Sex, sin, Theology of the Body, vasectomies, Women's Health

Humanae Vitae at 50: how does a Catholic respond to sex in the modern world?

July 25, 2018

Today marks exactly half a century since the publication of Humanae vitae, Bl. Paul VI’s prescient missive to the Church in response to the modern world’s views on sexuality and the human person. Reading it now through the warped lens of the 21st century’s concept of sex, it seems extraordinary that there was once a time the world was not arguing over the existence of multiple choice genders and contraception as a fundamental human right.

Progress, eh?

I look around at our culture and I see a lot of suffering. Children unsure of their parents’ commitment to the family and uncertain of their own place in the world, women who feel compelled to compete with their bodies in the sexual marketplace, babies snuffed out of existence because they had the misfortune to be conceived as the result of a violent act or a contraceptive failure.

There are a lot of people in a lot of pain. But the situation is not without hope. I personally had to hit a sort of rock bottom in my own life before I was able to recognize my own misery and cry out for something more.

The Church was there, and she was able to offer me something better. Discovering Humanae vitae made a big impression on me when I was finding my way back to belief, and it has not ceased to fascinate me in all the years since. It is brief, concise, and only seems to become more applicable as time passes.

There are four predictions which Pope Paul makes in HV, things which perhaps seemed far fetched in 1968, but which have themselves wretchedly accurate in 2018.

First, he envisioned a rise in infidelity and a general moral decline. The Pope noted that the widespread use of contraception would “lead to conjugal infidelity and the general lowering of morality.” Everyone knows that the rate of divorce is up and the rate of marriage is down and we’re watching things on network television that would have been censored as pornographic only a generation ago.  I’d like to take things a step further and propose some remedies to what ails us.

First and foremost, if you are married or are preparing for a vocation to marriage, be all in. A holy marriage is a beacon of light in a darkening cultural landscape, and a vital witness to your children, friends, coworkers, and neighbors. Commit yourself to chastity – both before and within marriage. That means setting clear boundaries while dating and knowing your own and your partner’s limits when it comes to sexual temptation.

Renew your marriage vows with a sense of reverence for the sacred nature of sex and a delight in the goodness and dignity of your spouse. Don’t buy in to the culture’s cheapening views on sex as primarily recreational or selfish. Commit to studying and growing in your practice of authentic Christian sexuality with your husband or wife. “50 Shades of Gray” has nothing on “Theology of the Body.”

Secondly, Pope Paul foresaw a devastating loss of respect for women. He argued that “the man” will lose respect for “the woman” and “no longer (care) for her physical and psychological equilibrium” and will come to “the point of considering her as a mere instrument of selfish enjoyment and no longer as his respected and beloved companion.”

Make a pledge to reject pornography in all its forms. Find a trusted spiritual director and/or mental health practitioner to help you navigate the road to freedom from addiction. Be honest and open about your struggles, and recognize your own limitations when it comes to the kind of media you can consume. Talk with your children, teens, and tweens about the dangers of sharing nudes and explicit content on the internet, SnapChat, and Instagram, helping them understand the far-reaching effects their youthful choices can have in adulthood and in eternity. Even better, keep smartphones out of the hands of your young people! Your kids will not die without an iPhone. Set an example of purity and transparency by keeping your computers and connected devices in open communal spaces and having a charging station where all devices are checked in at night.

Consider financially supporting an anti-trafficking campaign like the USCCB’s Coalition of Catholic Organizations Against Human Trafficking (CCOAHT), or by calling your congressperson to voice concerns about human trafficking in your state. There is a direct and demonstrable link between the pornography industry and human trafficking. Pornography is not an “innocent, private, personal choice.” There are real victims and there are real addictions which bleed over from the virtual world to the real world. Read Matt Fradd’s excellent book “The Porn Effect” with your men’s or women’s group or with your older kids. Sign up to become a fighter at the website Fight the New Drug.

Paul VI also voiced concern about the potential for the abuse of power, particularly at the hands of powerful governments and non government organizations who could wield “family planning” as weapon against poorer nations and oppressed populations. China’s infamous “One Child” policy is a sobering and extreme example of this, and there are stories of horrific forced abortions, state-mandated abductions, and government intervention in the lives of citizens who dared to flout the law. In the developing world today there are many instances of people undergoing involuntary or uninformed sterilizations at the hands of “compassionate” and eugenic non profit organizations whose understanding of humanitarian work seems limited to the reduction of undesirable populations.

Teach your children about the fundamental dignity of every human person, no matter their skin color or place of origin. Discuss the exploitation of poorer countries and populations by the wealthy and powerful, and explain the Church’s responsibility to defend the least of these. Raise money or awareness for an authentically Catholic charity doing work on the ground, like the Missionaries of Charity or International Missionary Foundation. Lobby your political representative for humane and responsible humanitarian aid that does not impose draconian population control measures on disaster-stricken or impoverished nations. Our “charity” is no charity at all when it comes with strangling strings attached.

Finally, the Holy Father recognized that a widespread acceptance and use of contraception would lull men and women into a false sense of control over their own bodies and, ultimately, the bodies of their children. If you stand around a playground with a group of moms for long enough, eventually you will overhear or take part in the vasectomy conversation: “I scheduled Matt’s for next week – it’s his turn to suffer!” or “Jim got snipped last year, because we are d-o-n-e done.”

Sterilization, according to a 2012 study by the Guttmacher Institute, is now the leading form of contraception in the United States. The rates of IVF and other assisted reproductive technologies have also skyrocketed in recent decades. Couples are waiting longer to become parents and women are often spending decades ingesting hormonal contraceptives without a clear understanding of the risks to fertility and the decline of the reproductive system with age.

When it comes time to have a child, couples will often stop at nothing to achieve their dream of becoming parents. This has led to a glut of “unwanted” frozen embryos who linger indefinitely in cold storage in laboratories around the world and the troubling emergence of a thriving surrogacy industry where it is frequently the poorer minority women who are hired to carry a pregnancy for a wealthy heterosexual or homosexual couple. Little thought is given to the physical and emotional effects that surrogacy has on the surrogate or the resulting child who is necessarily reduced to a product available for purchase.

Teach your children about the grave respect due to every human person, no matter the circumstances of their conception or birth. But also teach them that a massive and corrupt industry has sprung up around the conceiving of children at any cost and by any means necessary. Take responsibility for the sexual education of your own children from a young age. Opt them out of any public school instruction in human sexuality – some of which is developed by Planned Parenthood and other corrupt for-profit corporations with a vested interest in your children becoming sexually active – and educate yourself in the biology and theology of the human body. Gone are the days of having “the talk” with a pubescent teenager and hoping to have any impact on your child’s formation. If you want to get to your child before the culture does, you must have many such talks throughout the years. Early, and often.

Finally, pray. Pray for the wisdom to navigate this toxic culture and for the courage to live as a sign of contradiction. Look around and observe the pain and the confusion caused by living in a manner contrary to the Church’s teachings – even to those within the Church itself – and be bold enough to choose something radical. As 1 Peter 3:15 states, “be prepared to give an account for the reason for the hope you have in you.”

And in the words of my favorite Saint echoing the words of my Lord and Savior, “be not afraid.”

Catholics Do What?, Contraception, Culture of Death, Marriage, NFP, Pro Life, Sex, vasectomies

Risky love and the culture of loneliness

October 6, 2015

This morning was…well, let me back up. We quit preschool yesterday (and that’s a whole other post) and then went on to enjoy a fairly idyllic, sun-dappled pumpkin patch sort of day, so we all know what comes after that.

This morning, after very unwisely staying in bed with the baby while the dropouts watched an hour of SuperWhy, we proceeded to test the acoustics of every living area in the house and then the garage and then reheat the same cup of coffee three times. Which is not the same thing as drinking three cups of coffee, unfortunately.

So we went to the library.

There’s something magical about watching your kids interact with educational, unbroken toys in a somewhat civilized manner and knowing that you, the taxpayer, earned it. And that you won’t be the one cleaning up, because for some reason the public scrutiny makes them more helpful.

I’d settled into the feral children’s corner with my massive stroller after a fruitless search for an outlet to plug in ye olde laptop, whose lifeblood had been siphoned by SuperWhy. Alas, this was to be a non-working trip. (Why no outlets in children’s section, librarians?)

It turned out to be fortuitous, because no sooner had I settled in to nurse Luke then I met a unicorn. Another mom sidled up to me, baby strapped to her chest, and watched as her daughter and Evie exchanged fake fruit and Duplos and magnet tiles. She smiled and asked how old Luke was, and after I told her she asked what number he was.

“He’s my fourth,” I smiled, bracing for the gasp/smile/blink that almost always follows, but instead she smiled and pointed to her little passenger and said “same here!”

See? A unicorn.

(And I know plenty of other families with more than a couple kids, it’s just that I’m either related to them or they go to our parish or are in some way affiliated with the Catholic or Mormon church. So to meet someone totally organically, in a public place? Totally magical.)

We talked for a half an hour, easily, covering everything from naughty toddlers to nursing to not losing weight while nursing (lies, lies I tell you) to homeschooling to letting your dog eat all the crap off the floor under the highchairs to being really, really happy to have all these kids, because it’s totally worth it. They’re totally worth it.

It was pretty great. And I was seriously refreshed to just meet someone and be able to connect with them as a fellow mom and not have to answer a litany of questions about planning and birth control and life goals and sex.

Until right before we parted ways.

Casually, oh-so-casually, almost as a preprogrammed afterthought, she turned and asked me as she was preparing to leave,

“So, are you done?”

Oh, here we go.

“Well, I don’t know. We’re open, so it’s hard to put a definitive cap on family size.”

She smiled, “yeah, I know what you mean. That’s what I say too! But I told my husband, you need to make that appointment or we’re going to have 5 kids. So it’s on him now. I can only control myself, after all.”

Her friend nodded her head in understanding, “we only have two and I have been telling him the same thing! Gotta make that call and get in for your vasectomy, babe. Tick tock.”

They looked back at me expectantly, waiting for me to chime in.

Here’s the thing. I’m pretty good on paper when it comes to articulating what I believe and why, but actual interactions in real life? Those can be tougher. I don’t want to scare someone off, and I’m well aware of the need to “earn the right to be heard” before jumping in deep with someone about delicate topics, however readily they raise them.

But I’m also never not going to be shocked when a perfect stranger starts talking about her husband’s vas deferens. It’s just so weird. No matter how many times it happens, it always, always catches me off guard.

I guess I’m old fashioned like that?

I cleared my throat and volunteered this feeble tidbit, “well, it’s kind of cool that your husband isn’t eager to have it done, most women I hear from say that their husbands are the ones applying the pressure to stop having kids, and they’re usually sad about it.”

She tilted her head to the side thoughtfully and began to nod. “Yeah, I know he would love any kid we had, no matter how many.”

The conversation wound down as she and her friend collected their stuff and started to move toward the exit.

“I’m sure I’ll see you here all the time,” she threw back over her shoulder.

I smiled and told her I hoped so. But we didn’t close the deal. No numbers were exchanged, no phones whipped out to collect names or emails.

My hands were full of baby so I’m telling myself that was the reason, but I couldn’t help but feel a little sad as they walked away. And a little lonely. Not because I don’t have my own village – I do, and it’s thriving – but because I felt acutely the empty weirdness of our culture, the piercing normality of discussing one’s sex life and reproductive choices with strangers. And that the default answer to “are you done?” is, “yes, of course, and here’s when I’m scheduling the surgery to disable that part of my body that will make certain of it.”

How did we get here? And what should I have done differently in my interaction with her, I’m asking myself still, hours later.

She was happy. She had a good marriage, a beautiful family, and a husband who was willing to build that with her. And she still wanted to pursue sterilization. Because it’s what one is “supposed to” do in our coldly civilized world. And because she has been lied to and convinced that it’s best for her marriage, for her future. Too risky to live otherwise.

But wait, I wanted to ask, don’t you want to see what might happen if you continue living this story out the way you have been? And aren’t you nervous that there may be unintentional side effects to severing sex from procreation so permanently? Do you think it will be good for your sex life as a couple? Do you worry that there might be a reason humans weren’t designed for all-you-can-eat-buffet-style sex?

But of course, I didn’t say any of those things. And I wonder if anyone ever will say them in a way she might be willing to hear, might be able to hear.

Because we’ve been told so many times that our marriages can be good in spite of our fertility, that life can be comfortable and happy and manageable even though there are a couple kids hanging around…

But only rarely do we hear, if we hear it at all, that the thing we’re all supposed to be the most afraid of might be a good thing, after all.

That our fertility might actually be a significant reason why our lives are as beautiful and as joy-filled as they are. Messes and bodily destruction aside.

That it’s a gift.

That some couples – more than you might realize – would do almost anything, and often times do, in pursuit of the very thing you’re trying to protect yourselves against.

That’s what I wanted to say, but I lacked the time and the finesse and the relationship to do so.

But I hope somebody does say it to her one day. Before it’s too late.

And I long for an increasing recognition of this reality that our world seems increasingly blind to: that fertility is a gift, that our children are not the obstacle to our happiness and marital harmony, but more often the cause of it, or at least a significant occasion for grace and joy; and that life isn’t merely a series of contingencies and risks to be managed and shut down.

And that it’s okay for the plan to be “there is no plan.” At least not the kind of plan the world expects you to make.

risky love

31 Days of Writing with the Nester, Abortion, Bioethics, Catholics Do What?, Contraception, Marriage, Sex, Theology of the Body, vasectomies

I’m Catholic, can I get a vasectomy/tubal ligation?

October 26, 2014

There have been a number of questions about permanent sterilization during this month-long series, and while I wrote a post on it a while back, I think it deserves a fuller treatment, and a more nuanced explanation.

I know this is a question that many, many couples wrestle with. Even couples who have zero moral qualms whatsoever about shutting down their reproductive functions struggle with the permanence of surgical sterilization, because, well, it’s permanent. And that makes you feel something on a deep emotional and, dare I say, spiritual level.

We know this part of our bodies is sacred. Walk into any delivery room or birthing center and watch the miracle of life unfold and just try to remain unmoved.

There is something profound and powerful at work in our fertility.

The short answer for why Catholics don’t practice permanent sterilization is the same one you’ll get for why Catholics don’t use any other form of contraception: it isn’t broken. 

For those of us who are called to marriage and to parenthood, the invitation to participate directly in God’s creative process by bringing forth new human life is a staggering, gut-wrenching responsibility.

Vasectomies and tubal ligations take the “I will not serve” of contraception and carry it a step further, beyond the moment to moment “not this time” of hormonal contraceptives and barrier methods. They allow us to say with our bodies, in effect, I will not act in accordance with my nature, not now, and not at any point in the future.

In other words, God, you screwed up. I’m not supposed to work this way.

The Church isn’t anti contraception because it’s science. Or because it’s artificial. Or because she has million dollar stock options in thermometers. The Catholic Church (and, up until about 100 years ago, all of Christianity) opposes contraception because it is in direct defiance of the very first thing that He commanded us to do, once He created us, man and woman.

Do you remember?

Be fruitful, and multiply.

(Not: have so many children your uterus falls out and you go bald/die of starvation because you have more children than can fit in your doublewide. But be fruitful, and multiply.)

Children, in Scripture, are only and always a blessing. For couples who have many of them, and for couples who wait in longing for a single one. (Ahem, Abraham.)

There is never a point at which God says, okay, I think we’re good here, plus, you guys, college is so expensive right now, you probably need to go ahead and shut things down and start maxing out that 529 because otherwise you are going to be SO screwed.

If He sends them, we accept them.

And if we can’t accept them? If we are simply not in a place where it would be prudent/loving/responsible/safe/possible to accept a(nother) child?

We don’t. Have. Sex.

If you cannot welcome a child into your family you should not be doing the thing which invites children into your family. It’s that simple. And it’s that difficult.

For couples who have grave, serious reasons why having a child would be absolutely disastrous, how could anything else but abstaining be loving?

Because what if it happens anyway? We all know that couple who still got pregnant, in spite of their best efforts to prevent it. And then what? Hopefully not abortion…but what if the reason for not getting pregnant was a grave medical complication for the mother? How is that fair or loving to her?

It’s not just that, though. It’s not just the “you might still get pregnant even though you’re fixed” argument. It’s also because it’s sexually bulimic. It’s doing one thing with your body, but meaning another. When we do that with our words, it’s called lying. So when we do that with our bodies…it’s still lying. And denying the truth has consequences. Real, tangible, physical, emotional, and spiritual consequences.

Marriage is hard enough when everything is on the up and up. But when a couple chooses to consciously and systematically say one thing with their bodies but mean the opposite, there is going to be tension. There is going to be strife. There is going to be a breakdown in communication and mutual respect. And God knows we don’t need anything more stacked against us, not when it’s already an impossibly tall order. (Matt 19:10)

This is not a condemnation of couples who have made this decision and who regret it. This is, hopefully, a wake up call to couples who have never considered the real spiritual and emotional ramifications of physically severing the connection between sex and reproduction.

While there is no guarantee that either tubal ligations or vasectomies can be reversed, there are doctors out there who are willing to try. Depending on the individual circumstances of the procedure, it can sometimes be done. And even if it doesn’t work, what a huge opportunity for grace and for reconciliation to make that sacrifice, bodily, to attempt to restore what has been damaged.

For couples who are older, it might look a little different. While there is no way to return to one’s childbearing years and make different choices, there is a huge opportunity for older couples to minister to younger couples in the trenches who are considering making this decision for their own marriages.

It’s a message that younger couples desperately need to hear, and there are far too few voices speaking this truth: your bodies are fearfully and wonderfully made, sex was created for marriage, and marriage is designed to be fruitful and life-giving. 

Don’t separate your love! Don’t try to undo what God has intentionally and lovingly written into your bodies. It is good that you are together, and it is good that you love each other enough to participate in bringing forth new life out of that love.

And God knows this world could use a little more love.