The tyranny of unforgiveness

In what attention I’ve paid to recent news cycles, the dominant theme – the one thing that we still collectively agree on, one might be forgiven for thinking – is anger.

Anger with causes both righteous and dubious. Anger that is justified and anger that is rooted in pure, spleen-venting malice. Anger that fuels the engines of progress and anger that feeds the devouring flames of destruction and death.

The cancel culture, sprung up from that same fetid, fertile soil which grew the court of public opinion to a stature such that it towers over any actual ruling court of law, demands a curious new form of instantaneous retribution, the parameters of which are set by the prevailing mob.

Disagree with someone on social media? Cancelled. And perhaps shadow banned or reported, just for good measure.

Disagree with someone at work? Cancelled. HR complaint lobbied, perhaps accompanied by a laundry list of past shortcomings and errors over the previous years.

Disagree with someone in your family or circle of friends? Cancelled, disinvited from Thanksgiving – which itself will probably have to be cancelled, this year, too, for being so inappropriate, come on – and removed from the group text.

As I stood brushing my teeth last night, contemplating the ideological extremism draping our nation and, one could be forgiven for thinking so – a large swath of the developed world – in a frenzy of hatred: of self, of neighbor, and of nation, I couldn’t help but think that so much of the violence in the streets, in the media we consume and produce, and in our own hearts is rooted in a near-total illiteracy in the art of forgiveness.

If humanity has lost the God-given ability to extend and receive forgiveness, whether because it was not modeled for us by our parents or because vengeance and cruelty holds a dark, primal attraction (and acting on primal urges has been having a bit of a moment, these past few decades, has it not?), well, it comes as little surprise.

A culture that glorifies violence, specializes in vitriol, rewards greed, and pardons excesses of every kind is not a culture that is quick to extend forgiveness.

And in fact, I’m beginning to wonder whether we’ve purged the concept from our collective memory entirely.

It wouldn’t surprise me.

Alexander Pope knew it, and I’ll repeat the phrase for my fellow public school graduates out there who may or may not have had to google its origin as I just did: to err is human, to forgive, divine.

In other words, humans mess up, and it is not in our nature to let each another forget it. Ever.

But it is in His nature. And to the degree that we are emulating His nature, accessing the graces flowing from the sacrament of our Baptism which make us like Him, we can take on His nature, we can resist the primal urges of our created and fallen human nature, and we can overcome our baser instincts to be like God, in whose image and likeness we are created, and by whose Blood we are redeemed.

But can a culture which has deemed God nonessential, relegated Him to the rapidly reorganizing annuls of history, or forgotten about Him in an unconscious sort of benign neglect, still access the divine super power of forgiveness?

I guess we’ll find out.

Meanwhile, I’m planning to double down on a practice my spiritual director introduced me to months and months ago, maybe even a whole year ago.

I remember thinking he was kind of over the top at the time but now? Woo boy. He told me this: that he was doubling down on his own adherence to the laws of decency, of common courtesy, of basic civility.

He said “as society becomes more and more lawless, I will become more law-abiding. I will follow the posted speed limit. I will bite my tongue when I am inconvenienced. I will turn the other cheek when I am angry, and will respond to wrath with peace. And I struggle with wrath! In short, I will allow the present conditions to call me further and further back to Christian charity, so as charity erodes from the public square, I can be a beacon of charity that remains.”

Because he possess a similar temperament to mine and is quick to rage against injustice and mightily tempted to leap into action, I found his proposition at once horrifying and almost hypnotically attractive.

It turns out, also, to be difficult as hell to put into practice.

But I’ve found that like every other pursuit of virtue, it’s the small, incremental, and almost totally invisible actions, choices, and habits which make up the whole of what we actually are.

I have been very, very angry these past few months. I am no sweet tempered saint. My blood boils hot and it boils quick, and I have no trouble at all stepping right up to confrontations that smarter people might let pass.

But meekness? Gentleness? Biting my tongue until it’s nearly bleeding? Those, my friends, are heroic acts of the will in my book. And as I look around at our wounded, suffering, seething culture, I know that I am not alone in this.

In the words of that truly banal tune (and probably misattributed prayer) of St. Frances, Lord, make me a channel of your peace.

If enough channels open up, an ocean of mercy awaits, and it can quench the fires of a world that is burning to the ground in hatred.

And if not an ocean? Well, even a ragged stream winding its way through parched ground is a welcome sight to a fellow traveler.

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  • JF Jackson

    Dear Mrs. Uebbing,

    This posting is clear evidence of why I subscribe. I really needed this and it is part of answered prayer. Thank you.

    P.S. Is it ok though if I agree with Mrs. Greenwald above?

  • Christine

    YES! You hit the nail on the head.

    I just read a book recently (Amish Grace: How Forgiveness Transcends Tragedy). It was humbling to realize how FAR I am from Jesus’s commands of forgiveness. I have a lot of work to do.

    I always pray for peace in our country, but I’m going to pray for forgiveness, too.

    P.S. I just love your blog! Your honesty is very refreshing.

  • Anon Y. Mous

    Did I ever need to read this today.

    Around last week, I started to specifically pray that every thought and intention of my heart, every word of my mouth, all the works of my hands would only bring goodness, love, gentleness, faithfulness, life-giving peace.

    Then I got into trouble for sending a rash email at work.

    I’m reminded that there’s a difference between suffering for doing wrong, and suffering for righteousness’ sake.

    May we always be found to be acting righteously, justly. May God help us to kill our pride and walk in humility.

  • William J Walsh

    I agree. Recently I’ve been telling myself to listen more before responding to people with whom I disagree, and to respond respectfully rather than angrily. Too many of us want to divide the world into good and bad people as if we were not all sinners in need of forgiveness. There is a growing self-righteous disdain for others which follows if forgiveness is no longer encouraged as it should be.

    A trivial detail is that I am pretty sure Alexander Pope was a heterodox Christian at best. He claimed to follow Milton seeking to justify the ways of God to mankind but never mentions the Fall or original sin. He is English poetry’s corollary to David Hume and the other Enlightenment critics of Christianity.

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