Do You Speak Toddler?

So I have this three year old. Don’t try to tell him he’s three though, because he will assure you (As he assures me multiple times a day) that he is ‘a really big man’ and also, ‘really, really handsome.’ He might also tell you he is going to be a priest and a daddy, and that he might have babies some day, but not in his tummy because he is ‘a real man.’

If real men spend 90% of their waking hours asking questions, telling on their younger brothers, and fashioning straight objects into weapons, then he is Mr. Marlboro himself. I’ll let him do the rest of the talking just to prove it to you.

At bedtime, after somebody got to stay up late to watch the first half of the Notre Dame game:

Joey: (sobbing) John Paul is cryyyyyying.
JP: (indistinguishable moaning)
Joey: (in a piercing wail) He is really crying and I can’t like that noise!

While driving home one evening:

Jenny: Buddy, do you want to stay up with Daddy and watch the football game for a little bit?
Joey: Well I’m really sleepy. Maybe just a little bit of football and a hot bath. Can I get a hot bath? And a drink?
Jenny: Would you like a cigar, too?
Joey: Just a hot bath, Mommy

Upon discovering the requisite Millenial tramp stamp mommy sports on her unfortunate lower back:

Joey: Why you got a flower on your booty, Mommy?
Jenny: I made a silly decision when I was younger and now I have to live with it.
Joey: Daddy doesn’t have a flower on his back
Jenny: Nope, Daddy was not quite as silly as I was when he was a kid
Joey: Daddies don’t have flowers, because they have penises
Jenny: …

Wandering through the family room, unaware he is being observed:

Joey: All we have to do is get our SHINE ON!
Jenny: What?
Joey: A big giant guard
Jenny: Excuse me?
Joey: I got away on a telescope
Jenny: … sips coffee

Looking very concerned upon waking:

Joey: Are my teeth grayish, Mommy?
Jenny: What?
Joey: Just a yittle bit gray, do you think? Maybe if I sleep with a toothbrush…

Busting into our room at o’dark thirty:

Joey: (flings open door, slamming it into the wall) Good morning! I’m ready for gluten free pancakes!
Dave: (blink, grumble, snort)
Joey: All you have to do is get your shine on. (Can you guess what his favorite song is?)
Jenny: Are you real?
Joey: I’m really hungry for gluten free pancakes

Dragging an empty Pellegrino box through the living room at 8 am:

Joey: We just need some more wine. To get on the airplane!
Jenny: …
Joey: Everybody needs more wine!
Jenny: …

While driving through far-eastern rural as all get out northern Colorado to visit friends:

Joey: What I’m seeing out there, Mommy?
Jenny: Llamas. Those are llamas, they have nice fur that makes sweaters
Joey: (silence)
Jenny: They’re from Peru. Aren’t they cool looking?
Joey: Do llamas do bad things to people, Mommy?
Jenny: …

Boasting about his newfound ability to stand and deliver at the potty:

Joey: I pee like a man. I’m a real big man!
Jenny: Yep
Joey: Like Peyton Manning. He pees like a man. These are his undies.
Jenny: …

He is a delightful, challenging, confounding, and hilarious little housemate. I just wish I could figure out the source of his rich interior monologue. Because I’ll have one of whatever he’s having.


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