(Alternatively titled: the gruesome spectacle of raising boys)
1. Should I put most of these on the internet? Probably maybe not. But my almost one-year-old son is standing at my side wearing girl’s trousers and eating scraps of paper that I tore up for his enjoyment, and he is egging me on.
2. Last week while enduring round 78 of Joey’s tutelage on the ways of the potty, I maybe left the bathroom unattended whilst re-cladding his little buns in an off-brand Italian diaper and we maybe heard the telltale rattle of IKEA-sleek-n-modern-potty-chair on bathroom floor tiles. I sprinted into the bathroom juuuust in time to see JP tipping back a tall glass of … well… at least it wasn’t a potty performance that had earned Joey chocolate. And that’s all I can say about that. Christina clawed at her eyes while screaming about how ‘you can never unsee something’ and fled the scene hyperventilating. I expect we will be attending her religious profession of vows in 5 to 7 years.
3. The first time we traveled internationally with children, I packed heat in the form of lysol wipes and a million different types of hand sanitizer. I remember vividly an occasion where I wiped down the entire area of our train car en route to Assisi, lest Joey encounter a rouge bacteria with his delicate paws. This morning, John Paul put his hand on the hand rail in the metro. And then in his mouth. So.
4. We have ants. But we’re on the 4th floor, so that should be technically impossible, right? Today while riding the Metro, Christina alerted me to the presence of one picnic crasher in JP’s hair, which I had to pick out and kill with my fingers. Awesome.
5. JP is learning to walk, bit by bit, but for now he is doing lots of creepy crawling in all sorts of perfect places, like the storied cobblestones of St. Peter’s Square, for example, where we like to go and chase pigeons in the afternoon. One afternoon earlier this week, we noticed John Paul grasping a little treasure he found – a used cigarette butt. Maybe that’s why nobody else’s children are out of their strollers?
6. What is that smell? Do I even have to ask anymore?
7. Never let a toddler alone in a bathroom with a bidet. I just…ugh. I think I’ll end it here. Sorrynotsorry for poisoning your minds, go see Jen for all the betters.