… Really do take the cake for the best one-liner delivered to my mammoth self in this, the 10th month of the marathon pregnancy I apparently signed up for last July.
Yesterday, in a fit of sciatic rage, I went to my local 24 Hour not-quite-looking-the-part-at-this-point Fitness to whale around swim laps before my chiropractic adjustment, per the instructions of one very trim, athletic and admirably crunchy home-birthing friend … but alas, after only 10 laps I was booted from the pool by a hoard of neon and floral … Silver Sneakers water aerobics was getting underway, and so I was banished to the hot tub (shh, I’m the world’s least compliant preggo – I also drink -gasp!- wine.)
After a minute of two of soaking (on the top step, I’m not that terrible of a mother), I was approached by a charming, elderly Vietnamese man who interrupted his Tai Chi routine in the middle of the tub to swim over and interpret for his broadly smiling wife who was perched next to me, staring at my stomach.
‘My wife, she say you have baby soon…is soon?’
Damn I hope so.
More excited Vietnamese chatter.
‘My wife want you know, you eat nothing but pork, green onions and carrots for one month. One month after give birth. And no BEEF.’ (more excited chattering) ‘No beef for 3 month, three month you no eat beef or drink cold water, yes?’
‘And no eat anything sour. No lemons, no oranges, no sour. And no ice cream’
Fat chance there.
‘And keep legs closed for one month, sit with legs closed, you need heal. You rest and rub salt water on teeth and keep legs close together’ (graphic demonstration on the wife’s part ensues)
Not too sure about the possible double meaning of that last one…
Our happy exchange ended with much vigorous belly rubbing, patting, smiling and assurances of ‘you have boy…you have good BOY in here, happy boy!’
I love being touched by strangers.
But hey, they were friendly, enthusiastic about my impending birth and motherhood, and did not once use the words ‘pop,’ ‘go soon,’ ‘explode’ or ‘fully cooked.’
At least not in english.
p.s. love you Sarah, but still totally pregnant…perhaps more laps are in order.