Friday, May 8, 2009

If You Like it Then You Shoulda Put a Ring on it...

All the single ladies... all the single ladies....

Put your hands up. Notice something missing on the left hand side? Would you like to remedy the situation? Okay, brace yourselves, I'm going to say something crazy...

Move out. Or stop sleeping with him. Maybe consider dumping the loser if he objects to either of these drastic measures. Because you know what? Living together does not equal long-term commitment. In fact, living together does not even equal love. Living together equals hey-I-think-you're-hot-and-want-to-have-sex-whenever-is-convenient-and-oh-by-the-way-let's-split-laundry-duties-and-get-a-puppy....

This, my fair-sexed friends, is not commitment. It's not even remotely flattering. This is, in fact, the relational equivalent to buying something on credit with the reassurance of a generous return policy... there's a book on this, a damn good secular one (except for one teensy chapter that lacks any and all common sense) that explains how a guy acts when he's "into you" and how he acts, well, otherwise...

And newsflash: getting an invite to move in is not equivalent to "I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you." It's actually insulting, which is pretty far from flattering, and it's pretty spectacular evidence of the further decline of masculine initiative and chivalry in a culture as far gone as ours.

What's that? You say you're not interested in "long term commitment" or "marriage"? Just wait, you may be one day.

And even if you're not.... why compromise your ability to meet someone who's actually a good guy, who's willing to make sacrifices to spend time with you (read: driving home to his own house); who's willing to suck it up and live in reality (read: pay rent on -gasp- two separate residences since you're two separate individuals); who loves you enough to want to spend the rest of his life with you, come hell or high water...

I can understand the hesitation. Our generation has had their trust in the institution of marriage and in the integrity of the family utterly shattered. Thanks to a potent combination of selfish parents, rampant marital infidelity, the prolific use and distribution of contraception, and a general breakdown in the moral fabric of Western culture... it's a wonder anyone gets married anymore.

But co-habitation is not the answer. What better way to stack the deck against the longevity of your relationship than to build in an 'escape clause' from day one. Why (and think about this long and hard) would anyone remain committed so long as there's a non-consequential option to bail as soon as things get tough.

And times will get tough. No body's relationship is perfect. Men and women are so fundamentally incompatible, so irreconcilably different that save for an act of God, (read: marriage) lifelong co-existence is very nearly impossible.

And that's what I'd like to emphasize. Above and beyond all else. Living together is not like a marital 'practice run.' It will not predict accurately whether or not the two of you are 'compatible' or whether your eventual marriage would be a success. All that co-habitation accomplishes, in fact, is the breaking down of natural barriers meant to protect the heart and the integrity of a woman, and in fact allows her to become so emotionally dependent upon a man who is not permanently committed to her that the fallout from a co-habitating breakup is no less painful than a divorce. The only difference? Breaking up is easier, both legally and financially.

So I'm imploring you, begging you in fact, to reconsider your present situation and consider the reality of what you perhaps entered into with no small measure of excitement and satisfaction.

Because you're being used.

Even if the use is mutual, (which it very likely is) the utilitarian reality of the situation is a profound disrespect to and degradation of the dignity of the human person.

You are worth more than a cheap Walmart copy of his house key. You are worth suffering for, making sacrifices one's life for.

And that's what marriage asks men (and women) to do. It demands a full gift of self, a complete relinquishment of the rights and responsibilities of personhood to an other. There is no room for compromise here, no opportunity to "screw this if it doesn't work out." It has to work out.

When I enter into marriage with you, that means I will do everything in my earthly power to see that it does work out. And if I'm not sure I want to commit my life to you... well then, I shouldn't have the pleasure of waking up to your beautiful face every morning. Or of having you scoop up after my dog.

So ladies, I'm just sayin, if the big day is your big dream... don't remove every motivating circumstantial factor that normally propels a man towards proposing, incites an excitement to make a commitment. You are doing yourself and the man you claim to love a tremendous disservice.

And you're being played. No matter which way you spin it, he's getting the far better end of the deal. And he knows it. And as long as women continue to compromise their standards "en masse," you can bet that those standards are going to stay niiiiice and low. Let's face it: we're dumbing down dating and compromising the gene pool by even accepting this kind of behavior.
And we're making it that much tougher for guys to man up...

Are you fed up? Put your hands up.


  1. Amen. Again I say Amen. I don't care what anyone says, Men and Women do not approach relationships the same. The old saying that goes "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free" is very true. If he wanted to marry you...He would! You're just the warm body, the clean laundry and the nice meal until he meets the one he would move heaven and earth for. Women...wise up and demand some respect! If you want to be treated well, then act like it and drop the guy who doesn't "get" why he's not "getting it".

  2. Awesome post. Great blog.
    I'm a Lutheran Pastor in Wyoming. This is beyond an epidemic. It destroys marriages. (But, of course, every couple who comes to me assures me THEY will not be one of those. And of course, they are.)
    The real problem pastors face is that people just find a church that isn't faithful and a pastor that doesn't care, and have the marriage performed there.
    The cost of speaking the truth is high.

  3. Every girl in America should have to read this post every day.

    Living with someone is nothing at all like marriage. Been there, done that (not for very long, and not instead of getting married -- my husband and I lived together for a few months before our wedding because of what we thought were practical reasons). Again, iving with someone is NOTHING AT ALL like marriage.

    People no longer have any idea that there is a right order to do things in, much less that they should follow it. And it breaks their hearts.


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